Thinking it out

I shouldn't be this upset. Who cares if he didn't tell me? It isn't like I have any claim anyways. I had neither his heart nor his mind. It doesn't matter who he screws. I don't have a claim. I truly never have. It's always been me pushing for the relationship when he obviously didn't want one. I understand that now. I was completely in the wrong. I'm not sure how I could have been so stupid. I was always just his friend. That's really all I will ever be, especially now. I don't want to be in a relationship that will fail no matter what. Maybe someday I can make up to him the years of nagging I inflicted on him. I'm sorry Trevor. I really am. I will be a better friend and stop wishing for something that simply isn't going to happen. I want to stay your friend and just be there when you think you want to share something with me. I mean, just because I share everything with you doesn't mean you have to do the same with me. Friendship doesn't work like that. I'm sorry. I'll be a better friend. I promise.

Numb

I was told last night he had lied. He wasn't a virgin. He didn't deny it. He explained it. Does that situation warrant my anger? Not entirely. Does the fact that he never told me? Absolutely. The act does not anger me. Well, it does, but it isn't the reason I'm writing this. At any point he could have stepped back and thought and said no. My God, that bitch had nothing but trouble for him. Why couldn't he just let her do as she would? If she had just killed herself that night, we both would be in a better place. Or if he had just said no and never ended up in her house. A picture never would have held up as anything in any court. FUCK!!! I'm just so angry he didn't tell me. Honesty is the key point in any relationship. I need him to be honest with me if any type of anything is going to work. If I can't trust him, I can't be with him. Ever. When a trust has been betrayed, you can't get it back without years of someone proving they can be honest. Why wouldn't he be honest with me? Why would he keep playing me along. I don't understand. I want to so badly, but I don't. What did I do to make him think that he couldn't talk to me about something like this? All I ever wanted to do was help him, but he never let me in about something that's so personal to both of us. I don't understand. I'm so hurt right now. When I was told, I felt like someone had hit me in the chest with a bag of bricks. I doubled up and I couldn't breathe. Tears came hard and fast and tore at me. I felt like I was being torn apart from my lungs outward. Disbelief and hatred and hurt and pure sadness wrenched through my body. And him confirming my worst fear, that he had hidden something so important, was the last straw. I ran. I ran across campus, past the library to the railroad tracks. I wanted to run to Chicago, but it was so cold. I was cold. I am cold. This isn't worth it anymore. The roller coaster ride I've been on for the past five years has to stop. I want to get off now. I can't deal with this anymore. God,I love him so much, but loving him hurts and hating him hurts. I have to separate myself. There's no other choice. I have to keep my sanity.

do broken hearts ever truly heal?

Shit

I may have just lost the best thing I had going. Trevor and I had a fight last night. It was pretty one-sided. Me against him. Although, I wasn't really against him, just his actions. He wants to date other girls in Oregon, but swears that I'm his world and his everything. Why does all that have to change just because I'm farther away from him than usual? Why does his affections have to have conditions? I understand that it's hard to be affectionate from so far away, but if you really, truly, loved someone, that wouldn't matter! Doesn't he think that it's just as hard for me as it is for him? I have feelings and needs and wants too. I desperately want someone to hold me and love me here and now, but I love Trev too much to hurt him like that. He would be devastated if I dated someone else. He may not show it, but I can see through him. He, however, can't see through me as well as I to him. I hide this breaking heart inside a protective case of ribs and flesh. You can't see the wounds you make.
This is college. It's the time for experimentation and exploration. I get that. Which is partly why I feel so horrible for feeling the way I do. I don't want to be that selfish bitch, but I can't stand the thought of him being with another. And I can't help thinking that he will figure out that something is missing. That no one else has been there for him through all these years. I know that's awful of me to think, but it's true. I've been there. I've seen what others haven't and missed what others have picked up on. God Damn! That should count for something! Not just idle reassurances and empty promises. Maybe I should move on. Find someone who can stand the sight of me and can look past my awful exterior to a somewhat likeable personality. I have a good side, I promise! If someone could just look past the fat, awkward, shy, ugly outside to see me, they would find a loyal friend and companion. I'm pretty smart. I play piano and sing pretty well. My friends say I'm compassionate. So, I'm an eligible girl. Except for my appearance. But maybe they can see me, given a chance. Oh, I don't know. I'm clutching at straws to slow my hurtling descent into loneliness. I don't know how to stop it. I don't know how to reach out for help. I'm lost. I love it here at Elmhurst. I love my friends and my teachers and my classmates, but I have no one I can really TALK to. I have no one that can take me in their arms and tell me it's all going to be alright after I've had a bad day. I miss how things used to be. We were 13 and 15 and there was no one else that even entered our minds, unless you were hiding that from me.
I will find someone. Someday. I have to. This life can't be lived alone. I will not end up alone. Someone has to be there. Don't they? I mean, you can't just be alone forever, right? Something good can work, can't it?
If the current system is fucked up, find something that works. That's what I plan to do, if anyone will have me.